Yes, I think I might even change the name of my blog. Maybe something like 'Keepin It Real'. Because for me being real and staying real is one of the hardest things to do. Really. Not that being real is hard. But being OK with being real is the hard part. Does that make sense?
We went to a BBQ over the weekend at some friends house and I was who I always am. Chatty and social and pretty much engaged in "deep" conversation with someone the whole entire time. That is of course, when I wasn't eating or drinking ;-). Sounds pretty normal right? But then I get what I call the morning after "communication shame" which basically means that I critic everything I said during the course of the party and get down on myself for hogging the conversation, or interrupting or not being a good listener or talking too much or whatever.
This doesn't happen after every social event but usually there is one moment or sentence that I will feel guilty or regretful about the next day. At this point your probably thinking, this chick needs therapy. Maybe, but guess what? This is me being real.
Anyway, it's now Tuesday and the BBQ was on Sunday and I found myself in my car thinking "I really wish I hadn't said that...they probably think I'm an idiot...I wish I could just be quiet like so in so." And then I got pissed. Because if I could do something different (talk less) or be someone different (quiet, introverted, etc) then I probably would. But obviously I don't have any control over that. And the reason I got pissed was because I spend so much time wishing I was different or feeling bad about every little thing I say, instead of embracing it. And for what? I finally asked myself the same question I ask my kids all the time...What's the worst thing that could happen? Um, my friends think I'm an ego maniac who never shuts up? I can think of worse things. Anyway, for me going through life not beating myself up over the smallest little thing is a real challenge. But one I am committed to working on becasue I see this same trait in my daughters and I don't what them to be hard on themselves like that.
Stuff like this is hard to write about. And as I get ready to press the "publish" button, of course I'm concerned about being judged or laughed at. But what the heck. ;-)
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4 comments:
Shanny,
don't change a thing about you. You are fabulous the way you are. those close to you know that.Remember, thoughts are things, so look at what's good about you, not bad.There's only one perfect person, his initials are JC.
Love you,
your Goofy DAD
Thanks for sharing this - you are not alone in 'rewinding' and judging - be nice to think you might grow out of it, but it doesn't seem to be happening....
Shannon -
Stay who you are and love yourself. We do. Being self aware is such a huge gift - even if it is the day after. It's a good thing to think about the impact you have on others. But stop there - don't beat up on yourself (there's enough people out there to do it for you!).
Amen. Deb you said it perfectly. The funny thing is out of all of my posts so far this one has received the most commments. Which tells me that it's important to be real and tell the truth and when you do, your friends and family will be there by your side. Thanks everyone. XOXO
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